The past

The insecurity which Indira feels whenever she is about to fall in love or get attached to somebody emotionally is not the part of her core behavior.

It is something she never wanted but is now within her.

Indira has always been a sensitive child. She was the only child of Mr. and Mrs. Pandit. Her father was an accountant in one company and mother was a homemaker. Her grandparents used to stay with them too. It was a happy family but a strict one.

Academic growth was always essential, and sports and cultural activities were considered as a mere waste of time.

Mr. and Mrs. Pandit was not wealthy, but they had a stable income and own house, which was enough for them.

Indira grew up in a small town, studied in vernacular medium, completed her graduation in the same town and left it for the nearest metro city when she decided to get a job.

But it was never this smooth! It is never this smooth for anybody, be it Indira or you or me.

Life is never this smooth, it is like an ocean with roaring winds and wave. And yet we all love our life. And so did she!

"No matter what happens, I am not born to get drawn!" she had decided it very early in her life.

It happened when she was in 8th standard.  It was a regular day, she left home early for the school, her mother prepared a meal sufficient for lunch and dinner for Indira, as all the senior Pandits of the family were going for a function.

And Indira was very excited about it!

" No study today; It will be me, MTV, Star World, Maggie and lots of dancing" she had decided a day before only.

Her school got over at 2, she left the school in excitement like never before and reached home almost running.

As usual, she kept her school bag well and neat at its place, Tiffin was kept into the sink, she made sure she finishes the food prepared by her mother as homemade food is the healthiest diet, and outside food was hardly allowed in the home.

Once she was done with the routine, disciplined chores of the day, she switched the TV on and spent the rest of the day exactly the way she wanted.

Though she was studying in a vernacular medium school, English language is something she always felt connected to.

Titanic was the first film she had watched, (secretly)!

Princess diary, Home Alone, Jurassic Park, Spider-Man, Calender girls, Indiana John, etc. were her favorite movies.

She never really tried to know the actors in the movies, but she knew she enjoys the culture and openness these movies deliver. And she loved it!

Her teenage was spent mostly like this! There was a small library in her town. She hardly found any English literature there, but the library has quite a few translated english novels, and that was more than enough for her. She wanted to feel and live the culture, and she was doing it.

That night she slept late, enjoying movies and songs. She knew this night won't come again so soon. She woke up early next morning as she needed to clean the kitchen platform, keep the house neat and clean just the way her mother had left it before leaving. She knew when they will return, she will be in school.

But hardly did she know that they were never going to return! The train by which they were traveling was got derailed on their way to the function itself! By the time she reached school, a call was made to her home and then to the neighbors, informing the demise of her whole family.

She remembers that day clearly!

Everything changed after that!

She shifted to her uncle’s house, who used to live in the same town; completed her education and by the time she entered this city, she was way different than what she wanted to be. She could not understand the life after that, and nobody made an effort to make her know either.

She knew she is alone, somewhat lonely, and her mind took it very seriously!

Every decision that she took, every relationship she had been into was in one way or other influenced by this realization of her.